This is What I’m Talking About

Q: I have an issue I am hoping you can help me with. For about ten years now, I have been plagued by this voice that pops up whenever I am contemplating doing something and asks, "Who is the one who is deciding to do this?" The result of this question is that it takes the wind out of my sails, especially when it comes to putting myself out there and teaching others.

How can I tell people to improve their lives or do things differently when it is not them doing it? How do I practice therapy and self-empowerment while being so suspicious of the agent of this change?

Any insights will be very appreciated.

A: You ask a legitimate question, and I’ve been through this myself, in my “helping” people who write to me. It’s clear that there is no one suffering, and no one to help. At times in the past I would just close up shop for a while, feeling like a hypocrite.

But then that’s all play of the appearance, too, isn’t it? When you see your actions as the same as theirs – not autonomous, not decided by you – then you see yourself simply reacting in whatever way you do, when people arrive at your doorstep needing help. It’s all okay.

But you may notice as you do this that you can’t say certain things anymore that ring false to you. Can you tell someone to visualize something they want, for example? On one hand, you want them to have what they visualize, and on the other, you realize it’s all bullshit. Your work may evolve as these things happen. But you don’t need to force it ahead of itself. It will happen.

Q: Yes, one has to laugh, there is no-one to suffer ... and it is not even me asking you these earnest questions, and yet they are asked.

In reading your response it struck me that I am not the one who asked you that burning question, I am the question itself. It still feels burning, but somehow lighter. In the moment of wrestling with that question and feeling overwhelmed by it, I am simply overwhelm-ness. And there's nothing wrong with it!

Though still I am left with this thing where I am going to be presenting workshops on "manifesting your desires." Oh boy... ! Though I realize also that in the moment I'm presenting the workshop I will probably be quite excited and the people with their bright eyes will be listening to what I say, and so that is perfection and all that is required.

Again, many thanks for your taking the time to respond to our questions.

A: You seem to have a desire to move beyond your ambivalence about your workshops, but then you sidestep the issue by saying it’s all perfect as is.

Is it? What is perfection? Is perfection to be found in actions of the person, events of the illusory world? If everything is “perfect as it is,” why are you asking questions, and why do you still suffer?

You need to examine the new-age ideas you’ve been fed and apply some real critical thinking to them. Are you really the “overwhelmness,” as you claim? No! You are not anything in the world, or in the mind. You are not an emotion, like overwhelmness. You are the light within which overwhelmness is seen. You are that which illuminates overwhelmness so that it can be seen at all. But you are not an emotion. It is not you.

Nor are you the burning question, as you surmise. You are the awareness, or the light, in which a burning question arises, but you are not that thing. You are no “thing.” There is a concept that we are “all of it,” but unless you understand what that means, you’ll get very confused. You are not something false, and the entire world is false! For now, “You are all of it” would be better understood as “You are before all of it.”

You are not anything in the world. Examine your beliefs – I feel they’ve gone a bit haywire on you and are causing you conflict and suffering.

Start from zero. Drop all ideas you have learned or read. Drop the idea that all is perfection – from the standpoint of a person, this will only lead to a bigger and bigger ego! Drop the idea that you are this feeling or that question. You are not anything in the world! These are distorted ideas that have come from misinterpretations of reality, by people who believe they are separate selves, and unfortunately these distorted ideas are widespread in “pop” spirituality. 

Sure, go and do your workshops. No harm done. You may help someone. But be discriminating. Don’t go around repeating lies that you have heard. Check everything out for yourself.

Perhaps the workshops will transform into something else. But don’t force it. Take your time. It will all unfold in its own time. See what happens.

Sorry to be so forceful with you. I just hate to see someone suffer under ideas that are put out there falsely.

Q: Oh boy, you are merciless ;-)

I am printing out your response and I'm going to go and sit with it for a while ...

Later:

Thank you Annette, I hope you will stay with me a while as I ask these questions.

It's true I am still asking questions and still suffering. Even as I ask the question there is the voice that says, "Who is the one who asks the question?" or, "Who is the one who is deciding?" But even though these questions are asked by themselves, and though I now realize that the one who asks is nowhere, there is still suffering. Or maybe one should say that if suffering arises, that is OK? I'm a bit at sea here.

And could you say something more about "dropping the idea that all is perfection"? Perhaps there is something in this idea that is causing the suffering, but which I cannot see.

A few years ago I woke up with the terrible feeling that I was nowhere to be found, and yet I was still here. It just about drove me crazy, and it became an obsession to find the “I.” Of course I never found it. And yet still I am here and the questions are arising, with some suffering.

I don’t mind your being direct in your response – I appreciate it greatly.

A: Let’s just get straight to the point.

Right here, right now, is there a problem?

If you have trouble with this, let me know. But I’ll go on assuming that you can say: right here, right now, there is no problem.

Then a thought arises: “Who am I?”

Another thought arises: “Who is the one who asks the question?”

But so what? When the thought arises and passes, you are back to this: right here, right now, there is no problem.

All thoughts and feelings pass across this unchanging background which has no point of view. They arise, and they pass, and they leave no trace. And then another thought or feeling arises. None of them leave any mark on the unchanging ground that has always been here, and has always been the same – simply noticing with no point of view. All things are noticed because this light is illuminating them.

Are you the thoughts and feelings that pass? Or are you the light?

Let’s talk about perfection, as you asked. Can you tell me what perfection is? It sounds like you are saying that everything in the world is perfect as it is. A very popular spiritual idea, but it’s meaningless. All ideas are meaningless, including all the ones I’m writing to you on this page, because all ideas are concepts. This – this light, this constant, unswerving background of presence-awareness – is not a concept. So I am telling you to drop all ideas, and drop all concepts. Simply notice this, the background that is ever-present. It is not a thing, and it is not a concept. It is the only reality there is.

And it is you.

So when you had that experience of losing “you” but you were still there, you had a glimpse of what I’m talking about. The “you” that was lost was all belief in the thoughts and feelings that you have learned to artificially define a false self called Eric. The ego structure of Eric just dropped away. And yet “you” were still here. Of course! That’s the unchanging, constant, non-conceptual background, or awareness, or light that is your true nature. “You.”

Let me know where this takes you.

A week later:

Q: This has really hit home. Your comments left me with nowhere to go. Absolutely nothing I could do. Knowing that whatever I thought, trying to understand, it was like a dog chasing its tail, just one thought trying to catch another. I kind of knew this intellectually but you forced me to sit with it and not escape.

I sat and "meditated" on what you had said, very earnestly, and then suddenly I had to laugh – I was using meditation to try and catch meditation! I was trying to use reality to get to reality. How crazy! There was nothing beyond the sitting, except the sense of watching that had no opinion on whether there was sitting or not.

The next day I was walking to the shops and it occurred to me that there was absolutely no purpose beyond this walking. There was no purpose, and yet nothing felt missing. And everything was still there, just there, with no story beyond itself. Amazing.

A: Good job!

I have to say, I didn’t expect this. You broke through a lot of thinking patterns much faster than normal. This is what happens when you, as you put it, just sit with it and don’t escape. Then, it becomes obvious really quickly. 

Now you can see that there is nothing to all the questions that, for instance, you wrote to me about in the first place, or anything else that arises from here on out. It was all tail-chasing – all of it!

Just keep watching and let me know how this unfolds, if you are so inclined. Sometimes we need some validation for a while, because it seems too easy. Feel free to ask.

Later:

Q: Annette, the dialogue with you really changed things for me, and I'm happy if others can benefit as well. It feels like something deep down has shifted. The key was being made to recognize that everything knowable is a concept, even those questions that were tormenting me. No matter how profound the question, it's just one more concept. That moment of utter frustration at this, one concept trying to catch another, the utter impossibility of getting beyond it! And then falling through into this, just this arising, for no purpose beyond itself. The awareness of this comes and goes, but something has shifted. Thank you.