I Want Things So I Can Stop Wanting Things

Q: I was surfing the web and came across your website.  You wrote: “This wanting is all that is falsifying your view of yourself as you are: already whole, satisfied in every way, at the deepest levels imaginable.”

This motivated me to try out the writing exercise you put on your website.  I don't see myself as whole (but I didn't start this process thinking I was incomplete either) and definitely don't see myself as “satisfied in every way.”  I did hit a dead end with this.  It seems like I want stuff so I can feel contented. Then I noticed that contentment means (at least for me) not wanting anything. I want things so I can stop wanting things. That's the silly thing. Here is my writing:

What I want.

I want enough money I don’t have to work to get what I want.

And what do I want?

Good food.

What will be accomplished or gained with this?

It will be easy to satisfy hunger when it arises.

What will I get when it’s easy to satisfy hunger when it arises?

Less worry about where food will come from.

Then what when I have less worry?

More peace of mind.

Then what?

Comfort with the way things are.

What will I get then?

Contentment.

Then what will I get?

That’s the end. Everything else here is simply synonyms for contentment, peace. It’s hard to see anything past contentment. If I’m content I don’t want anything else.

Comfortable shelter.

I can avoid the cold and have a comfortable place to sleep when I get tired.

What will I get if I can avoid the cold and a comfortable place to sleep when I get tired?

Less to worry about.

What will I get then?

Peace with the way things are.

Then what will I get when I’m at peace with what’s going on?

I could say contentment but that’s just another way of saying peace with what’s going on.

A nice road bicycle.

When I feel like riding I’ll have a bicycle that’s easy to carry and transport and it will go fast. It will make staying in shape and healthy easier.

What will I get if I have a bicycle that’s easier to transport and ride fast?

More joy when I ride it.

What will I get if I get more joy?

Nothing else. Just more joy. I don’t get anything for my joy.

To speak and understand Spanish.

What will I get from this?

The joy that I imagine will happen when I’m able to converse with others in Spanish.

What will I get if I get a kick out of speaking to folks in Spanish?

That’s all I’d get. I’d get a kick out of it.

A: It looks like you were doing fine but stopped. Do you have a question for me?

Q: Yes. With contentment there isn't any reason I want it.  It's not, I want contentment because then I'll get a better car or something.  That's where it ends.  With the "I'd get a kick out of it" bit, it's the same thing. It's not, if I get a kick out of this I'll be content. It's, I'd get a kick out of it and then it ends. My question is, where do I go from there? 

Please keep in mind that what motivates this questioning isn't really to be whole because I don't feel incomplete or complete and don't care either way. What motivates these questions is, if my view of myself is false, I want to see the true me. Thanks for replying.

A: Why would you want to see the true you?

Q: Why do I want to see the true me?

So my life isn’t a lie or based on a false assumption.

Why would I want my life to not be based on a false assumption?

So all my worries aren’t for naught.

Why would I want all my worries to not be based on anything false?

Because I don’t like stress and worry and if I’m going to stress I want it to be about reality not imagination.

Why do I want my stress to be based on reality?

I don’t want stress at all but it happens anyway.  If I’m going to stress it had better be about what is true.

Why do I want to know the truth?

Because the truth isn’t a lie.

Why do I want to avoid believing lies?

Because they aren’t real.

Why do I want to avoid what’s unreal?

Because it isn’t true.

Why do I want to avoid what isn’t true?

Because it’s not real.

Why do I want to avoid what’s not real?

I don’t know.

Annette, ultimately I don't know why I want to see the true me.  The best I can come up with is because it isn't the false me or a delusional me.  But that's a shitty reason.  I don't know why.

A: So do you still want that?

Q: Yes.

A: Jake, let's say the worst thing happens, your bottom line: You end up not avoiding what is false.

Then what?

What will your life be like when you don't avoid what is false?

What would be better about it when you do avoid what is false?

Q: What will my life be like when I don't avoid what is false?  A feeling like something is wrong will pervade it. I don't mean something is wrong in the sense things aren't working the way they are supposed to. I mean something doesn't add up. That's how it is now, at least in regards to what I believe that I am.

What would be better about it when I do avoid what is false?  The feeling that something isn't right or doesn't add up wouldn't be there.  Could be the stress of holding up the untrue beliefs is less painful than what those beliefs are covering up, so my life might not be “better.” Hell, the notion of better and worse itself may be a lie that wouldn't be there.  But at least my life is based on what's true. 

Why do I prefer that?  Ultimately I don't know.  Maybe it's simply to avoid that feeling of something doesn't add up.  But I wouldn't mind that feeling being there if it wasn't based on something true.  In other words, if the feeling itself that things don't match the way I think they are was itself a lie, I'd just ignore it.  But that's still operating on the desire to avoid believing what is false.  Why do I want that?  Because it's not true. So? This can just keep going in circles.  I don't know why I want to avoid believing what is false.

Thanks for replying to me, Annette.

A: You're getting there, Jake. You're starting to see that all of your wanting just goes around in circles and ends up at the same place you started. You can ignore it, as you say. A little path was followed in your mind, but nothing ever went anywhere. Nothing actually happened. So you can begin to see it’s just about hitting that wall and relaxing into all of it.

But if you need to keep going a little bit, try this: What does "Jake avoiding being false" look like? Precisely, exactly, define this thing that you want so much.

Also: What's the difference between true and false? 

Q: Here are the answers to your questions:

What does “Jake avoiding being false” look like?

Jake not believing anything that’s false.

What’s the difference between true and false?

Truth is what actually is. False is inaccurate thoughts about what is.

A: Alright. So, what’s your question. What do you want?

Later:

Q: Right now I don't know. I looked another essay on your website. It said (I'm paraphrasing here) you are aware. Whatever happens, you're aware of whatever happens. I told you I wanted to avoid believing in something false, especially about myself. After looking at what you wrote, I started to question whether I'm the one believing anything anyway. So it's hard to know what I want, since I might not even be capable of wanting. 

Desire happens while I'm simply here and aware when it does. Now this body might want all sorts of things and believe all sorts of things, including believing I am it. But looking at me being aware of these beliefs happening makes it hard to be the believer. So I'll ask a question when one comes up. For now I'm questionless. I just didn't want to not reply.

A: Beautiful. Thank you for giving me this update. It seems the mind has calmed down a lot and is not frantically trying to find answers right now. This is it. Good job. Give me a holler if you need anything further.