Catching Water in a Net

Q: First off – a confession. I corresponded with you a year or two back and signed off by saying, "I get it now!” etc. etc. And for a week or two after the last email between us I thought I had. Everything was peaceful and easy, and then....BAM. A couple of things went wrong at work and I was back to being the stressed-out individual I thought I'd left behind. I realized that I'd been kidding myself and had mistaken a nice feeling for – and I hesitate to use the word – awakening.

Something stopped me going back to you with more questions – probably embarrassment. At that time I decided to jump off the seeking treadmill as it had become an obsession; I stopped visiting the websites, listening to the podcasts, reading the books. However the need to see the “truth” nagged at me all the time.

Over the last few weeks, my life has gone a bit pear-shaped – my wife and I have decided to divorce, and my mum has just been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. My brother's wife died recently, also from cancer. My stress levels are through the roof.

So I'm back looking at the websites and reading the books. Talk of a life free from suffering or worry is intoxicating for me.

I'm not really sure how to frame any question to you. I understand that my thoughts just appear, and because they are not “mine” I should be able to just notice them without “owning” them, but while one voice in my head is telling me that, another voice is convincing me that I'm crap at my job, I'll never meet anyone else, I'm not going to cope well with my mum's condition and so on.

I haven't really asked a question, have I? Sorry about that. I'd appreciate any guidance you have for me anyway. I'm amazed that you still appear to have the patience for this sort of thing, but from your dialogues on the site it appears that you are helping a lot of people.

Thanks in advance for your time, Annette.

A: Well, I’m more expert these days in spotting the preliminary “I’ve got it!”, so I won’t let you get away with that this time :-) I’m so sorry to hear about the troubles in your life.

I do believe people are being helped by this line of questioning I’ve stumbled onto. I’m simply making people scrutinize what is being repeated in the mind, because that scrutiny has never been done, and usually we haven’t even defined our own terms! Once we try to define our own terms – the terms of our suffering – we realize none of it ever made any sense.

So let’s just start here. What do you want? What do you think this is going to look like, when you’ve been “helped”? What will be gained?

Get very specific. You might find that it shifts as you try to define it. Just give it a try.

Let’s look at something you said: “I should be able to just notice [thoughts] without ‘owning’ them.”

So when that happens – when you are able to notice thoughts without owning them – then what? What will happen? What will it be like? What will be gained? Define “notice.” Define “own.” Define what you think is better about noticing than owning.

Give this a try. Don’t go into your story. Stick with these questions.

Q: Thanks for your prompt reply. I wasn't sure whether I should let the questions run around my mind for a few days before I came up with a response, but I'm anxious to move forward. Could be a case of "more haste, less speed" but we'll see.

So here's what popped up when I looked at your questions:

What do I want?

I want to know that none of my problems matter.

What do I think it will look like when I've been “helped”?

Things will look much the same on the surface. Events will happen. I'll react. But I won't care about outcomes. I won't care what people think about me. As a result, my “stress dial” will be turned way down. I won't be scared all the time.

What will be gained?

I'll be living a life that involves less effort and more enjoyment.

When I "notice" thoughts instead of "owning" them, what will happen?

Thoughts will show up like they do now. The difference will be that I won't get caught in a thought spiral with one negative thought leading to another to another. Thoughts will just pop up, be ignored and disappear.

What will it be like?

My internal commentary will get much quieter.

What will be gained?

A more relaxed and enjoyable life. I won't feel the need to drink as much to calm down. I won't dread Monday morning. I'll feel less run down and get fewer headaches.

Define “notice.”

The registering that a thought has occurred and what the content of the thought is.

Define “owned.”

The belief that the thought content is true and definitely requires further consideration or action.

What is better about noticing than owning?

Noticing results in much less stress. Less stress = happier existence.

Anyway. That's as much as I've got to say so far. Pretty brief, but I guess it's a start. I think if I tried to throw more words at your questions, I'd end up just saying the same things over and over.

A: Thanks for sticking to what I asked.

You said: “I'll be living a life that involves less effort and more enjoyment.”

Have you ever thought about this: How will you know that your life is involving less effort and more enjoyment?

Try to stay away from phenomena, like “I’ll have fewer headaches,” “I’ll be relaxed,” etc. Not what happens if you’re happy, but how you will know you are happy. How will you know that you are happy?

You may not be able to answer the question. Don’t try to force one. It’s not intended to test your knowledge. Just find out if you can answer that question – which clearly is something very important to you – without going around in circles.

Just try it. You may feel like the real questions are being ignored. I assure you they are not. You can always come back to them later if you are so inclined.

Q: Hi again. How will I know when I'm happy?

I'm struggling to define this in a positive fashion, because whatever description I come up with seems to contain a set of words which look like alternative ways of saying “happy.”

For instance, I was going to reply along the lines of “When I am at ease with whatever crops up in my life.” But that just replaces “happy” with “at ease.”

I'm finding it a little easier to attack this from the negative angle, i.e. what will no longer be happening when I'm happy? My belief is that the signals that I'm happy will be that there will be no desire to search for the “right” way to perceive reality. No need to expose any false concepts about myself. Not even the slightest urge to read non-duality books or access websites.

I feel like I'm trying to catch water in a net with this one, and I'm not really satisfied with what I've written above. I'm going to send it anyway, but I'm going to keep thinking about this one. If I can't define my target, how can I hit it?

A: Very good. You are beginning to catch on to the slippery nature of this seeming reign of terror we hold ourselves prisoner of.

I’m sure you noticed that even when you tried to attack it from a negative angle, you just came up with “no desire, no needs, no urge to seek,” and isn’t that just, again, another way of saying “happy”?

If you don’t know how you’ll know when you are happy, then are you still sure that’s what you want?

Q: I still can't answer your previous question “How will I know when I'm happy?” properly. But is that perhaps because of the limitations of my language or imagination? Is it difficult to answer the question without using a simile of “happy” in the same way as it would be difficult to answer the question “What does green look like?” without pointing at something green? Does that make sense?

In any event, I contrast what my experience of life is, particularly at the moment, and what your website states is possible (“... life can be totally free of all negativity and hurt, fear, loss, anxiety, self-doubt, and vulnerability”) and I see a huge difference. I've got all those negative emotions in spades.

I want the version of life you talk about. I don't want mine.

Thanks for reading.

A: You have a clear idea of what you want. You want my version of life and not yours.

You obviously think something along the lines of “Things will just be better when I experience life the way Annette does.” But you haven’t got a clear definition of what you mean by “things will be better.” So you need to do that. You need to (try to) define that. Why would you work to get something you haven’t even defined? That sounds just painful and futile, doesn’t it?

Now, the question is, can it be defined?

You have already discovered that you can’t answer the question “How will I know when I’m happy?” without simply circling back on the original question. Chasing your tail, so to speak. Regardless of the reason you can’t answer it (whether it is a limitation of language, as you suggest, or any other reason), you can’t answer it. So, why are you seeking something that you won’t even know when it arrives? 

I hope you understand I am not suggesting you are doing this wrong. Indeed, you are doing it right. So why do these things evade definition? The only other possible conclusion is that these things cannot be defined – your wants and desires simply cannot be pinned down. Why? Because they are made of contradictions to begin with. They are internally inconsistent. And we base a whole life of suffering and seeking on a bunch of contradictions that we never bothered to examine.

So examine them now, and be free. Don’t go down the same road you have been going down, asking “How can I get rid of the painful feelings?” Instead, go down this new road: “What do these things mean? Do they have meaning? Or are they simply a painful mantra I chant to myself out of habit?” 

So suspend your seeking until you can define these things you want. Define first, then seek. Maybe you find you can’t define those things, in which case seeking would be moot. And if you can define them, then you will be in the position of knowing what you are seeking.

If you understand me, you will try to do this: Try to define “Things will be better.”

Q: Thanks for your reply.

“Things will be better.” Hmm. Lots of possible answers have popped up, but they all boil down to the desire to rid myself of the inappropriate levels of fear I experience for a large percentage of my life. Chronic stress, for short.

But that's going down the “how do I get rid of these painful feelings” road that you specifically suggested I don't go down. Oops.

You also suggest I ask “What do these things mean?” Is there meaning behind my drive to find the key to experiencing a calmer life? This question just freezes my thinking up. My brain causes reactions in the body in response to situations, and then my brain produces thoughts that the reactions it has caused aren't “good” or “right.” It's continually setting the problem and then failing to find an answer. On and on and on. Does it need to find an answer? Am I going off at a tangent here?

I get a sense that you're pushing me in the right direction but my brain doesn't want to go along with it. There's no “Aha!” yet.

I see no option but to keep probing into the question of what (I think) I want. But I'd appreciate a few more nudges to keep me moving on the right path. If you think I'm firing off responses without spending enough time pondering your questions, don't be slow in letting me know!

I really appreciate your help on this.

A: You’re doing great. You are correct that the right direction is to keep probing into the question of what (you think) you want.

You want to rid yourself of stressful levels of fear, for one thing. So examine what this is.

What do you mean by “fear”?

Just because something that arises is labeled “fear,” does that make it “bad”?

What do you mean by “bad”?

If the brain seeks to find these answers and then keeps failing, or circling back around and around, then what does that tell you about what the brain has to offer you in terms of answers? Should you rely on it to resolve the problem of “bad,” and “fear”? Is it capable of resolving the problem?

Is the brain a good place to rely on to find out if you are content, okay, or peaceful?

Or will it simply keep going around and around?

If the brain is going around and around, can you be content and peaceful anyway?

If the brain says “I’m fearful,” is that necessarily true?

Q: This is starting to get interesting.....

All I get when I try to tie “fear” down is physical symptoms such as quickening pulse, slight nausea accompanied by thoughts of “bad” things about to happen. Sometimes the thoughts come first, causing the physical reaction, sometimes it's the other way around.

But I've noticed that despite considering myself to be constantly stressed, that is just not true. I'm not stressed playing with the kids at night, or watching a comedy show. So stressful feelings come along, stay for a while, then go. Do they do anything? (I guess my doctor would say that they shorten my lifespan if excessive). I don't think they do – not permanently. Will I ever be rid of episodes of elevated heart rate, negative thoughts – I don't think so. The brain and body are going to continue to react to stimuli as per conditioning. Problem? Well...maybe not.

As for “bad” – it's impossible to get a firm grip on why some states are “bad” and some aren't. The same symptoms as “fear” can also be labeled “excitement” if accompanied by different thoughts.

For five years or so, since I first looked at non-duality stuff, I've been hoping for a change of perception which obliterates all the “bad” things in my life. While I've been doing that, life has gone on regardless. I might wait another forty years for this “dropping of the me.” I'm starting to think that it's a cul-de-sac. The whole assumption that this needs to happen or I'm going to be miserable is a bit self-fulfilling, isn't it?

I'm starting to get a bit excited here, so I'm just going to fire off emails as they come up. I realize that I'm writing this today when I'm in a good mood. Maybe on a bad day, this will all seem like bullsh*t and I'll be back on your case!

A: I’m so delighted to read your email! I think you’re done. You obviously don’t need any affirmation from me.

You said: “I've noticed that despite considering myself to be constantly stressed, that is just not true.”

That’s one of my favorite lines I’ve ever received in an email. Isn’t that amazing? You only thought it was true! “Constant stress” was never there.

You said: “The brain and body are going to continue to react to stimuli as per conditioning. Problem? Well...maybe not.”

Exactly! Then we start seeing “problem” in a different way. What’s a problem? Are there any? Ever?

And you concluded with: “I realize that I'm writing this today when I'm in a good mood. Maybe on a bad day, this will all seem like bullsh*t and I'll be back on your case!”

Exactly. You may write me again when a bad mood comes along, but I don’t think you will. What would you ask? :-) You already know what’s going on. Good moods, bad moods, they pass. Doubting thoughts, unclear thoughts, stressful thoughts – we don’t need to regulate them or worry about them – they don’t affect anything.

There’s nothing for me to add. You did a great job of delving under the surface of the story. Excellent work. I’m very happy.

You may feel like you need to keep writing for a while just for stabilization – that’s fine. You’re welcome to keep writing me. But I assure you, you’ve come to the root of it. This is the end of the line.

It’s been a real pleasure to work with you!

Q: Wow.

I've spent so long trying to do this “right.” I can't believe how many hours I've spent reading, listening, thinking about what needed to be done to get this stuff. Beating myself up because I couldn't see something that was always referred to as “obvious.” That's over?? Phew!

I could have carried on for year after year, attempting to see the falseness of the “me” / experience one-ness / realize that I am THAT (it's always in capitals) and it wouldn't have moved me a single inch away from what I am right now.

I can't say I'm happy now, at least not in the traditional sense. There's too much life stuff going on at the moment, as I've already outlined. But that's the weird thing – at this moment I don't feel any need to feel “happier.”

Annette, you approach this in a unique way...and it does cut through the crap! You need to start charging by the hour and make your fortune on the guru circuit.

Anyway. I told you at the beginning of this correspondence that I'd communicated with you a year or two ago and went away seemingly “fixed.” I won't hesitate this time to get back to you if somehow I lose my grasp on this. But how can that happen? There are no more words to be thrown at this, surely?

I'm so grateful.

A: A beautiful letter. It brings tears to my eyes.