Nothing To Do but Go To Bed

Q: I'm not really sure why I’m emailing you, and I don't really have a question, but it's more that I feel lost or something. I had an experience a few months ago and I realized that my whole life – the way I perceived it and looked at it through the narrow mind – was, excuse my language here, but was bullshit. Not in the sense that it was not nice or anything, but just not real.

Since then I picked up searching again, and a few weeks ago I saw some stuff from Tony Parsons. This was extremely annoying, because now I'm in a place where I realize there's nothing that I, as a person, can do, because it's all done by ME. It all feels very futile sometimes.

Anyway, the experience that was there a few months ago was so fresh and vital at the time. The day after, I was extremely energetic, and now I think I may have added some extra stuff to the experience with the mind or something, and when I just go into the moment now, there's always seeking for that experience, and with that going on, this is never enough.

I have the feeling that I'm missing something that is right in front of me. Intellectually I can give myself all the answers, but that's not it. Also, this email is a form of seeking, but the thing is, I cannot seek or not seek, because when I drop the seeking, there's the hope for something to emerge from the dropping of the seeking. Aaagh!! Anyway, I wish you a nice day and regards.

A: Well, first, just look right now, and tell me if there is a problem here.

Now, is there ever anything else? Right now, there is no problem here. This is eternal. It is eternal because it is always this. You can relax into this eternal moment right now. It’s eternity!

Might you go into ideas and thoughts of past and future? I don’t know. I suppose your mind could find some of that. But all I know is that right now, there is no problem. There is not even the problem of the appearance of thoughts and ideas about how it should be or could be. If they appear, is that a problem?

Can you see that right here, right now, nothing is wrong? Right here right now, does it matter what Tony Parsons or anyone else says?

Q: To answer your question, right here right now there's not a problem. There's just what's in front of me, and my thoughts and feelings. My mind does go into ideas of past and future and tries to get me along with it, which usually works. A lot of times a day I'm saying now, now, now to myself. At the cashier in the supermarket going now, now. When I'm cooking, now, now.

I lead quite a relaxed life. I don't really have big problems or anything, so I have all the time to watch everything and play around with staying in the moment. However, sometimes it feels like I'm hiding from my life by just living now and not indulging in my thinking. There's a responsible feeling towards my personality, to pay attention to it. I had one afternoon last week that I felt that this is really everything and always will be, and then I thought, nah, that's a little too simple. But I guess you're gonna say it is that simple.

To answer another question, it usually seems to be a problem when thoughts appear about how it should or could be. Or to be more specific, the thinking stuff has a problem with it. But then, when I'm not a person made out of thinking stuff, who is watching the thinking? When I read this last line back I also realize the thinking wants to make somebody out of that, too. My God, this should be all so violently boring to read all the same stories from people who write you haha. Anyway, thanks for your last reply and regards. 

A: Well you made me chuckle at the end there. No, it’s not boring to me. It’s a challenge to find the place where someone is stuck, and everyone’s place is different.

So let’s do this. You seem to know what’s going on, and it’s fine when you remember; and when the mind makes its attempt to complicate it and make problems, that is seen through. And yet it still happens.

So, now, what’s the problem? What’s wrong with any of that?

I’m not saying, “Can’t you just let it be?”, or whatever. I’m saying: specifically, What harm is done in any of the above situations? What it harmed? What is at risk? What needs to change? And why?

Q: Well, there's not really any harm done, but (there's always a but; when the buts stop, my e-mails stop probably) it's still that I feel like I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the me to fall away. What is also happening besides the staying in the moment, is that there's a really short interlude between my thoughts and stuff linked to those thoughts becoming reality nowadays. My personality likes this, like it's an achievement, of course, and at the same time it's saying avoid bad thoughts! It's all so predictable the thinking, o boy.

Well, so there's a waiting for the seeing. That it is seen. Because now it is all very personal, all that I see. Everything is still very separated, the chairs in the room are not one with the floor and the coffee machine isn't magically glued to the kitchen table. I looked on your site last week, and there you said somewhere to put attention on the attention, but I can't seem to do it. I'm always behind it, looking myself.

There's also another thing which is that I sometimes think I may not be done with this living as a person, because there's not really a reason to. For the past six months or so, there hasn't been really big suffering and I don't take all the suffer-stuff and thinking too seriously – at least not like I used to. I do take it personally, because there's always the me, claiming the feelings and stuff, but it's not so overwhelming.

So sometimes I think (ha I think, yes) there has to come a really big crisis to really fed me up with myself. And that's again thoughts and repeated blah blah from a talking mind. Everything I write you I see is more or less bullshit, I know, but I'll leave this last part also to show you I'm still very attached to the voice in my head and I'm not so ADVANCED as I may have tried to make you believe in mails before! ;) Anyway, thanks for your last reply.

A: You’re funny. Let’s just take the first thing, which is that you said you feel like you are waiting for the “me” to drop away. Is there something wrong with waiting? I mean really, is there? You don’t like it? Why not? When it is noticed that you are waiting, what happens? Is it a problem? If frustration arises because of the thought “I am waiting, and nothing is happening,” and the frustration is noticed, is it a problem?

Let’s just stick with this important point. Is there a problem here?

Here’s your story right now: The “me” is going to drop away and I’m going to be happy then!

Do you recognize this as simply part of your story? Find a problem that is not just part of the story. Can you?

Q: Well, yes, that's the story indeed. The me has to drop away and then there should be happiness. Yes, it is a part of the story, too. Everything is a part of the story. Everything I can think of. Yes. Hmm, I don't know what to say now. I’ll go to sleep, then.