A Gentle Change

Q: Intellectually I know that there is no someone. I believe Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta when they speak of the bliss of liberation from this idea of someone. The writings of non-duality resonate with me, and yet when I inquire, there is still a sense that there is a me experiencing this unchanging self that I have known all my life.

A: That is not a problem. It’s okay to stop here and just enjoy this experience without worrying about how it all works. This is yours right now and you don’t have to do any more work or inquiry.

There is the unchanging self that you have known all your life, and that’s all that matters. Just relax into that right now and see that it’s not a problem whether you have a sense of a “me” about it or not. We are led to believe it matters, but it does not. You don’t need to work anymore on what you “sense.”

Q: But I find awareness, and still I see a me who is aware; there are still two.

A: It’s okay. There is a sense of a body, a self. There always will be. Nevermind trying to fix that or eliminate it. It’s only the mind seeing two. Your experience is not your mind. Only your mind even knows what the word “two” is! Your experience does not.

You experience peace right now, yes? And yet the mind is never at peace. It doesn’t matter what the mind is doing. 

Q: There is a me playing the game of seeking, of doing, of suffering. Yet this is my story; it is what I am experiencing. 

A: Check out this statement for validity: “It is what I am experiencing.” First, notice that there is pure experience. It’s mostly sensory, I notice. I notice the mind, but only in how it is processing my sensory data. Now, thoughts arise. They are your “story.” They arise within the pure experience. Is the experience bothered or touched by the story? Notice that there is a hard line between your story and your pure experience. They are close, and seem related, but if you look you will see that they are not. Your experience is always undisturbed. Your experience is sensory – your thoughts are not.

Q: Who is experiencing this? I cannot honestly say that I see there is no someone, although intellectually I could say it.

A: The question is not “Can I honestly say that I see there is no someone?” but rather “Can I honestly say that I see there is someone?” You don’t have any evidence that there is. Why believe one unsubstantiated statement and not the other?

Q: I cannot stop the doing, the thinking, long enough to see who I really am, and so I continue to suffer.

A: That’s not why you’re suffering. You’re suffering because you don’t understand the nature of your suffering. You haven’t looked at it closely. What is it made of? Thoughts? Can they harm you? Can they do anything? Do they have power?

Are you sure that suffering is real? Find out if it is. Maybe it’s not. See if you can pin it down. Maybe you cannot. Maybe it just arises and passes and it’s no big deal. Maybe it’s not as solid as you think.

Q: I have not been able to shake this sense of separation. It is the human condition. I am caught in it.  It is powerful and I do not know the way to undo it.

A: You don’t need to. Right here, right now, is there a problem? Right now is all there ever is. And there is never a problem. That’s all you need to know!

Q: Thank you for answering my questions. This is what is perplexing me: There is a lightness now to what I used to interpret as suffering. There is a watching of the biological organism and its conditioning. Whether there is pleasure or pain psychologically. There is not a believing in the thoughts. Yet when there is physical discomfort, like when I had some lower back pain, attachment came rushing back in. There I was in search of tylenol to alleviate this pain – nothing else really mattered.

The thought came that if it is possible to live in freedom, then that freedom must be sustainable even in the midst of physical pain, and the freedom that I notice collapses when there is physical pain. So my mind concludes that it is not real yet for me, and I must keep trying. Only when I can be in non-conceptual awareness even if I were freezing in snowstorm will my mind be convinced. It is a point of view that is believed by me. I would like not to believe this. Any pointers?

I am hoping you don't say, Who is the me that is believing this? – I have gone round and round with that one like a merry-go-round. Am I to keep inquiring in that direction, or can you suggest another approach that might help me to believe in the non-reality of the me thought? Thank you once again.

A: You are telling me that you want a state where there is freedom within physical pain.

Can you be very specific and describe to me how this works? Can you describe to me exactly what you want?

Just try going this way with me. It’s different. Don’t go back into any story about the way things are and what the problem is. Simply describe to me: I want it to be like THIS. And then describe it, in detail.

This will help you identify some false assumptions, and start cracking a chink in the wall of your prison. It will be very helpful if you will follow my direction and just answer this one question. I hope you will try it.

Q: I want it to be like this: Peace, stillness, acceptance, trust, and love as a state of being, no matter what happens out there or in the body.

A: Very good.

Now we have to get a little more specific. What do you mean by “peace…as a state of being,” or “love….as a state of being”? What is a state of being? Do you mean, a feeling? A feeling that stays the same? Is peace a feeling, or something else? What is a “state”?

Flesh it out some more. It may seem like a weird request, but you’ll see pretty soon why it’s important that we do this. Just give it a try, and see where it goes.

Q: As I look closely at my answer, I would say yes, I am looking for a feeling. There is still belief in the me, so that me wants to feel good.

A: Boy, you’re really making me work hard here. How about you do more of the legwork? I don’t want to have to drag this out of you.

Explore this idea a little. You say you want a feeling. Explore this.

What are some possibilities? Use your imagination – your ingenuity –  to explore. You could find out what a feeling is. Do you know? What is a feeling? What is a state? What do you think they are? Let whatever comes up lead you to the next question, and so on.

Don’t expect me to fix this. I can’t. It only can be uprooted by your looking at things and finding out what is false. Then it falls apart and you are free. But you have to do the looking yourself. I’m just telling you where to look, because mostly people go around in circles trying to answer the wrong questions. Just try this. Don’t lean on me to do it for you.

You said you’ve gone around and around in frustration with the instruction to find out “who is looking,” and I’m not suggesting you do that, am I? You should be very happy about that! I’m breaking you out of that loop by asking you to find out what you think a feeling is. Just try it.

Q: I think a feeling is an experience of emotion. A state would be a feeling that is more constant. More fixed, not as changeable, not subject to external events. I am noticing a feeling right now, some worry because I hope I get this right. So I am seeing that a feeling also has a thought component. The thought “I hope I get this right” leads to the feeling “worry.” Thank you for sticking with me on this, Annette. I am grateful.

So “grateful” is a feeling as well, generated by the thought “Annette is sticking with me on this.” So a feeling is a thought felt by the body. I am hoping there is a state where one experiences feelings such as gratitude and love continually. That would be a state, a constant and fixed feeling.

So the feeling “hope” is there when the thought “There is a state where one experiences feelings such as gratitude and love continually” arises. Now I am doubting whether there is something such as a state, since it involves feelings, and feelings seem to change with thoughts. How could a feeling be constant if it is generated by thought?

Still I want freedom from all of this. So what would that be? Is freedom a feeling, or is it a freedom from feeling? To not be dependent on feeling. I think that is what I am wanting, to get off the roller coaster of thought-feeling-thought-feeling... To get off the ride completely. And then what would that be? I don't know.

A: Excellent! I am really impressed. Good job exploring the origin of those thoughts and feelings.

So now you are left with: I want to get off the ride of thought-feeling-thought-feeling. And isn’t that just another thought? Do you see how circular it is? Every “I want” statement is simply another thought, generated by some other thought within the story! Isn’t it amazing? You uncovered this on your own, and now you have it. It’s yours.

So now to the next logical step of unraveling this tapestry of illusion: How do you get off the treadmill of feelings, including the “I want out” feeling? Well, you have to find out what, if anything, is affected by these feelings. What would the outcome be of you getting what you want, which is to be free of feelings (or any other desire)?

If you are willing to keep going along with my odd suggestions, keep going with this next step. Look into this. This is how we get off the wheel. Look and see what the wanting leads to. What will be gotten? What will the outcome be? What will be affected? What will the effect be?

Just try it. Do what you did before – just follow the thought in writing, and find out where it leads.

Q: The thoughts and feelings affect the thoughts and feelings, that is all. A thought, then a feeling arising, then another thought, then a feeling, then a thought........ They affect each other but nothing else, they are just what they are, thought and feeling arising and falling.

What would be the outcome of me getting what I want, to be free of feelings or any other desire? The outcome would just be more thoughts and feelings, happy ones perhaps. The feeling of getting what I want..

What does the wanting lead to? It leads to trying. Wanting leads to trying to get there, to seeking that which is wanted. Wanting can be generated by the thought “I don't like this.” Then the feeling dissatisfaction, then the thought “I am unhappy. I want something different.” But the thoughts and feelings don't affect anything but 
themselves.

What will be gotten?  I do not believe it is possible to end thought and feeling – as long as there is a living body these things will be generated.  But they do not affect anything except themselves. So it doesn't really matter, does it? The thoughts and feelings can be as they are – they affect nothing. The someone they seem to be affecting is just another thought. How interesting.

I want to just sit with this, let it simmer.

Thank you for your suggestions on which questions to follow.

A: You're welcome.  Just sitting with this is the right thing to do. Let it settle in. Let me know if you'd like to share or ask anything further.

After a couple of weeks of silence, I wrote:

A: It seems your mind has become quiet. Great. Without revving your mind back up (I wouldn't want to encourage that!), can you tell me where things stand?

Q: Thanks for checking in. I would not say my mind has become quiet. It is still busy as always! What is different is a noticing. So things happen out there, I get engaged, and then there is the noticing. “Ahhh, yes, there it is happening.” And there is a freedom in that. Or else things happen within, a fantasy in memory or future projection. There is a pull, an interest. It has been a habit  all my life. I have found much pleasure (as well as suffering!) in my thoughts, so the habit plays itself out still, but the noticing is there. I read Nisargadatta, or check in on your website, or John Wheeler, or listen to Bob Adamson if I feel a need for support.

I have this thought that comes up, that nothing about the past can actually be proved to have happened because it is all a “memory thought,” and the future is a “projection thought,” so it doesn't exist either. But this moment is spontaneously arising, fresh new right now, always (arising with the memory of past and thoughts of future). 

It is so completely satisfying to just inhabit the moment as it is, without engaging in thought. Just the noticing, of clouds, of wind, of sounds, of scents, of aliveness. I find a diminished need for doing this and that, going here and there, looking for something out there to be fun and meaningful. It seems to all be mostly right here, right now. Such a richness in very ordinary things. Still, there is a delight I feel in the events of life. Still an enjoyment of the me, but I see that now.

The insight seems to be working “behind the scenes.” Thanks for checking in, Annette. Would love and appreciate any feedback.

A: This is just an amazing report. You’ve got it all right there in a nutshell. The story unravels, and your life is only what is present now, and that life is rich. It’s all so shockingly simple.

And yet this is very subtle in a way, isn’t it? Gentle. I don’t think you would run around now saying “I’m enlightened!”, or “I woke up!” It’s not that dramatic of a change. It’s just a looking into that sense of “I” and all her problems, and seeing that the origin of that bunch of “I” thoughts is just…itself! And nothing that happens to it affects anything but its own imagined story.

Thank you for the follow-up. This dialogue illustrates the possibilities of a conscientious, earnest self-inquiry. Good job.