All I Know is I’m Alive

Q: Annette, you said in one of your essays: “There is a lot of stuff going on. It could have the potential to make me unhappy, if I thought about it. But right here, right now, there is no problem. Somehow, none of the ‘stuff’ touches the right here, right now. I always thought it did – I thought it touched, disrupted, and threatened right here, right now – but I look and see that it does not. Right here right now is always this – free, empty, and no problem is present.”

I can see this, but how is it possible to not think about the stuff that has the potential to make someone unhappy? The thoughts are there unbidden, and there is no stopping them or disregarding them when they are there. How do you SEE that you are not disrupted or threatened by the thoughts and the stuff of the thoughts? How is
that done? So many people seem to say "Look, see." Look and see …what?  It just seems neutral.

A: You don’t “see” that, over time, this peace was never disrupted by thoughts; you think it. So don’t worry about it. Thoughts are useless. What you SEE is only right here, right now. What do you see? What do you experience? You said “neutral.” Right. Nothing is a problem.

It's much simpler than it is made out to be. Right here right now, is there a problem? Before you say, "But what about..", is there a problem now? Before you say, "When the thoughts come..", is there a problem now?

So now when the disruptive thought comes, is that neutrality disturbed? Maybe your attention goes to the thought, but the peace of neutrality is not disrupted – you can verify that in your own experience.

Let’s verify that right now. Peace is not disrupted. Your attention goes elsewhere, and that's all. So, this peace is always here, when you look. So what is the problem? What problem do the thoughts present?  They take your attention. Is that a problem?

How long does your thought stay one thing? Does your bad thought last? Do you have nothing but bad thoughts? And so, what problem is it that thought takes your attention? It's simply a shifting, changing landscape. The peace is here all the time, when you look right here right now, and before you say "when" or "but."

Q: I'm getting that it's so simple ... too simple to think about...

Will take time to take in what you've said.  Many thanks.

A: Yes. Too simple to think about.

Don't think. Thought is not needed in order to experience. Are you experiencing?

Q: Yes, of course I'm experiencing...

A: That’s all you know. Your own experience.

Q: ...and there is thought.

A: Experiencing requires no thought. Do you need a thought to know you are experiencing?

Q: No. It’s empty.

A: Okay.

Q: Not peaceful.

A: What is not peaceful? There has to be thought for there to not be peace.

Q: Always conditional.

A: In experience? No – only in thought.

Q: And experiencing is ..... not thought

A: Right!

Q:... but thought about.

A: Okay. Not relevant. The thoughts are changing all the time.

Q: There was a time when there was only experiencing. Pure, clean, without story. Not without thought, but not translated by thought.

A: Right now, there is a memory of some time you have labeled in your mind as “pure, clean,” etc. Right now is the only time there is. Why compare it to something in your memory?

Is there anything not pure about right now, before you say “but” or “when I think...”? Before you locate a memory to compare it to, is there anything not pure about experience right now?

Q: Not different or special, just this... this ... this... perfect without being perfection, no coming from or going to.

A: Right. And this is right now.

Q: You said, “What is not peaceful? There has to be thought for there to not be peace.”

Yes.  But there is thought. Unbidden. There anyway. Not my  thoughts. But coming up of their own accord. And seeming to be particular to me. And believed in as if they are “my” thoughts. As much a part of experience as anything else that comes up.

A: Yes, there are unbidden thoughts, all the time. And feelings. And they cause this great roller coaster of life – up down up down, all the time, and it never stops. Thoughts are passing through all the time. It's a constantly changing landscape.

But that is not all there is! The ups and downs of life are just the screenplay, the craziness, the drama – we don’t have to ride that roller coaster up and down unless we want to. What is here first, for the roller coaster to appear on? In order for changing thoughts to be seen moving through – crazy, up and down all the time – there has to be a steady, unchanging ground on which this is noticed, or else we would not notice them coming and going. That ground is this peace, this neutrality.

Q: So why do I take it personally? Sights happen, sounds happen, stuff happens, and thought happens. But it's latched onto, and used as a filter for interpreting what is happening. Without choosing to do that.

A: Well, right, it’s just kind of a habit. We really don’t “choose” to do that which is very habitual. But if you look right now, you will notice that the seeing, hearing, etc., are not personal; and then habit kicks in, memory is accessed, and you find a memory which makes it personal. We’re breaking that habit by noticing that right here, right now, all we ever needed is already here. We don’t have to move into memory in order to live, and in order to be whole already.

Look right now and see this ground of fullness, of peace. It is here, right now, and you are intimately familiar with it and have been your whole life. Intimate with you from the inside out. This is not something you have to go searching for in your mind, in your memory. It's here first, before you start looking for it. It's so obvious that you are missing it. Right here, right now, is there a problem? Oh, you can say "BUT...." and "When the thoughts come.....!" but right here, right now, is there a problem?

This is it. It is always peaceful, always the same, always steady. Tell me if you are having trouble finding it.

Q: Thank you very much for this reply and the previous one. I can come back with several responses. But I'm not going to.

Until I really get what you're talking about.

The only thing I say at the moment is that thoughts are experienced too, they are just part of the experience, not different from seeing, or hearing, or feeling or any other of the different aspects that make up life being lived.  And the question I have for myself is "WHAT experiences all of that?"  Any trouble I have finding it is because I'm looking for it through experience.

So much for not saying anything ;-) !!

A: Don't worry about who or what experiences and whether there is a difference between thought and senses. Just forget trying to figure anything like that out. It’s useless information.

Just look and see if there is a problem now. Right now, is there a problem? A thought is experienced now. What is the problem? We say, well, it causes me to suffer. Does it really? In what way does a thought cause you to suffer?

You are assigning imaginary power to the thoughts. Look closely and see if they can hurt you. All suffering is just an idea that suffering is happening. Is it?

There might be a lot of “I wish I had this or that,” “I wish I had this more permanently,” “I should be happier,” but is this suffering? A thought, which comes in a flash and is gone in a flash, is suffering?

So it's okay that thoughts are here. It doesn't matter how they are noticed or if there is a "one" noticing them. What matters is, is there a problem? We are used to calling it a problem, but what is the problem? You have a bad feeling? So what? It will be gone and replaced by a good feeling, and so on. Up and down all the time. And so what?

We can be free right now, and totally free of suffering, by looking at the peace that is present right now. But we say, “There is a problem here,” when there is not one. Funny, huh?

Q: Yeah, you're right. I can't get all the “you are the pure awareness, light of everything” type of thing. It means as much to me as “carpet blue tree drag blobs up macaroni.” In other words, I'm sick and tired of trying to figure anything out anymore.

All I know is I'm alive. There are thoughts – mostly bummers, but occasionally good. And every time I ask the question “Is there a problem now?”, of course, there isn't! Because if there was, then I wouldn't even have time to think about it. 

And you're right that suffering seems to be caused by thoughts, and if the thoughts change then suffering can change too.  And all I do is notice that... the thoughts and the suffering and the happiness and the neutrality. And this isn't some kind of esoteric exercise, it's practical.

A: Yes!

Q: ..i.e. there's a fearful thought with tense feelings.... ooh, there's a weird, out of the world thought that's not even in my scope of experience... there's a thought about loading the dishwasher... here's one about winning the lottery and some exciting feelings... and on and on. And you're right again! It's peaceful. Seeing that the thoughts are just that ....though that doesn't stop getting caught up in them! But so what?....There's no control... Life just rolls on in its own merry way.

A: This is it! Good work.